DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

4 stars out of 5

Reading a book on how to deal with the indignities of middle age for me is sort of akin to locking the barn door after the horse is out (I just celebrated, or more accurately, bemoaned, my 80th birthday). But curiosity got the better of me: Were my experiences similar to the author's? If not, how (and maybe why) were they different? Besides that, the book description included the word "hilarious." Far be it from me to pass up a chance to laugh - even if it's at myself.

And chuckle I did - sometimes out loud - and not infrequently (nor insignificantly) I was reminded of one of my all-time favorite writers, the late, great Erma Bombeck (a longtime syndicated newspaper columnist and best-selling book author who wrote very funny things about suburban home life). And for sure, I could identify with much of the author's experiences and insights; one that stood out in particular is being a very competent person - especially at work - but clueless about operating a TV remote. I've been saying for a couple of years now that should anything happen to my husband of nearly 60 years, I'd need help with just two things: How to work at least one of our five TV remotes and how to pump my own gas.

Still other points - like the dubious ability to break a toenail at the drop of a hat - are intimately familiar as well. For me, though, it's the whole toe - which comes as a result of refusing to wear shoes indoors (or outdoors, every time I can get away with it). Not a year goes by that something - like an errant bedpost - jumps out to nail one of my toes.

My favorite section, though, came at the end in the form of cautionary lists. Most are spot-on and yes, I've been there. Still, I couldn't resist adding a couple of personal notes that come from living a good 30 years longer than the author, to-wit:

Things that are annoying but unavoidable: Needing reading glasses to make dinner. Yep - or if, like me, you've worn glasses for many years, you'll suddenly need bifocals. And then, somewhere between age 50 and 70, you'll develop cataracts that render all types of lenses ineffective. On the plus side, cataract surgery can for many people, including me, mean you won't need glasses at all. How long that lasts, of course, remains to be seen: Stay tuned.

Things that aren't worth it: Trying to open clamshell packaging without using scissors. I second that (with painful cuts to prove it) and add that I've lost count of the number of fingernails I've broken a fingernail trying to open any cardboard packaging before I see the spot designated "Open Here." So keep the scissors handy as well as your glasses (unless you've had cataract surgery).

Things that will always be confusing: How sometimes leaves on a plant turn yellow because you're underwatering and other times because you're overwatering. By the time you're my age, you stop caring. I just water mine every six months whether they need it or not; yellow leaves simply mean they better match my kitchen walls. Brown is quite another matter and kind of fun; I get to  toss the whole plant and start again.

Things you learn along the way: Eventually you will have too many scented candles. Also knick knacks, frayed dish towels long since relegated to cleaning rag status, sheets that don't fit any bed in the house, plastic shopping bags stuffed with dozens of other plastic shopping bags and, with a tip of the hat to the COVID-19 pandemic, toilet paper. Don't believe me? Just ask our daughter, who grows more concerned every week about how she'll get rid of all that stuff when I'm gone.

All told, this is a delightful and entertaining book that I don't hesitate to recommend to all ages. Mid-lifers can commiserate (boy, how you'll commiserate), while spring chickens can learn what to expect and seniors like me can have the satisfaction that comes from saying honey, you ain't seen nuthin' yet. Thanks to the publisher, via NetGalley, for providing me with a pre-release copy to read and review. Well done!

Did I Say That Out Loud? by Kristin van Ogtrop (Little, Brown Spark, April 2021); 336 pp.